Well hello there members, singular lady, and I'd say gentleman but self-address is just arrogant.
I've decided to create a motivational thread concerning Valentine's Day (yes, note the apostrophe - Valentine was a person that the Pope had shot with cannon, or something that sounds like that), to help everybody! Not just those pathetic and miserable single people, but all those people trapped in the doubtlessly loveless and grey relationships that will soon spiral out of control and end in grief and misery.
Grief and misery looks like smoke.
So, let's start off first with all you single types. Now, I'm certain your defence here will go something along these lines:
"Valentine's Day sucks; it's a religious holiday with excellent starting intentions that has been corrupted and commercialised by the corporate greed of modern day society."
Well, that's not really the reason you think it sucks now is it? No. It's because you're very much... ALONE.
Yup, simple truths, but ones that I find must be stressed. You think Valentine's Day sucks because it only serves to remind you of your crushing and hopelessly lonely existence. Every night you gently rock yourself to sleep before erupting into prolonged fits of tears before attempting to slit your wrists or hang yourself, finally collapsing into a writhing mass on the ground, sobbing convulsively as the sounds of happiness are heard all around you in your one-room, balsa wood flat.
What do?
Make do.
Yup, I'm afraid I can't help you escape the crushing loneliness of your miserable and fleeting time upon this mortal coil, but friendly neighbour Al of the Cohol Mob can sure help you pass every agonising minute pretending things are alright, until you eventually (and trust me, the time will pass quick enough) shuffle off into the abyss.
Yeah, there's likely nothing after you die either, since the heavens don't think you're worthy. Just to make you feel better.
But what if you're in a relationship?
Not that kind. Oh ho ho.
Yup, maybe that's you with your supposedly perfect partner. But little do you know, he's tried to strangle her twice, and she's tried to poison his tofu cubes with too much tofu than one human can possibly withstand.
Your relationship will be a high-strung, depressing, draining, steadily more tense outlet into which you will channel your self-hatred, the belief that you're being weighed down, and those slowly developing self-destructive feelings, before the relationship inevitably culminates in a messy conclusion, which can involve death, loss of money, or dismemberment.
If you do manage to stay together then the odds are you'll end up emotionless, soulless husks, your only task in life being the avoidance of your partner in order to prevent the crippling sense of shame and regret you'd feel upon observing their age-withered, drawn features for the umpteenth time.
Soulless husks alright. What a horrible waste of human potential.
So, to conclude this doubtlessly very motivational work of human brilliance, compiled by the singularly eidetic mind of one Lord Mountbatten, your life is worthless, and you will never amount to anything.
Also, that thing you're thinking positively about? Yeah. Not gonna happen. Sorry.
And finally, a cheerful song.
