One of my stories.

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MortuiMansit
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One of my stories.

Post by MortuiMansit » 07 Oct 2011, 06:38

Well.. Hello.

I wrote this when I was ten years of age, forgive me if it's not to your standards. Or if you think I was one MESSED UP child.
A man strode into the town seemingly innocent, he turned towards a man on the walls and flashed him a smile, his teeth sharpened slowly, nauseatingly he man stared at him with his sharp teeth, the man on the tower then screamed in fear and fell from the wall, landing nearby with a loud crack, blood flowing into the pavement stones, a sharp, evil chuckle was heard from the young man as he slowly walked into the crowds, stepping towards the marketplace he grinned an bit into an apple, smirking as the merchant started to yell at him for not paying, he frowned and grabbed the man by the throat, cackling as he then threw the man onto his stall with a satisfying crack!
After the man had strode off from the stall, eating his apple with a sadistic grin, his long strides taking him towards the castle, his enchanted scythe, Sanguine Sal Tore appeared in his palm as he moved in an instant, ripping a guards ribcage apart, severing his spine and killing him instantly, he then moved in another fluid motion, doing the same to another guard, disappearing in a flash of dust and blood as he reappeared just outside the castle, surrounded by guards, moving in a flash of dust he whipped his wrist to the right, ripping a man’s head off in a fluid motion, Sanguine disappearing and appearing behind a large man, the young man then whipped his wrist upwards, a small grin forming on his lips as the man’s heart was brought from his chest onto the huge scythe’s blade.
A loud cackle was heard from the throne room as the man entered it, covered in the guards’ blood, the king shook in fear and asked who the man was, the young man replied with a simple. “My name is Luca Uachi-Torz, and I am your successor.” The man cackled and slowly walked towards the cowering king, Sanguine held high as he slashed the king, his head falling from his now-dead body, a ghost of a smile touched Luca’s lips as he picked up the kings head, pulling a pike from a dead guards hand and sticking the head on it, placing it outside the castle drawbridge, cackling the man walks back into the throne room, staring at the queen with evil intent.
An army was heard moving towards the city, a rumbling earthquake, nearing the city, led by a man of medium stature, the beasts around him towering over him, looking down at him in respect and fear, the man carried a large scythe, larger than the young man in the city, as he strode towards the gates in a superior manner he motioned towards a huge creature somewhat seventy feet tall, the creature would then bring a massive fist down, tearing a huge chunk of the wall out, the rest of the army swarmed in, killing the rest of the cities members, unaware of the usurping of the current throne.
The young man known as Luca moved from the castle angrily, his speed gracing even the fastest athletes, moving in a flurry of attacks he slaughtered many of the creatures, removing an arm from the seventy feet tall beast, the huge city flowing freely with the blood of the many beasts from a hellish realm, Luca moved towards the heart of the creatures, towards the seeming dictator of the hellish creatures, many more creatures killed in the massive flurry of scythes movements, more blood and flesh being strewn over the city.

The middle-aged man, the obvious commandant of the creatures, moved towards Luca, knowing of his presence, the man started to cackle, a low rumble emerging from deep in his throat, turning into a sickening cackle, heard all over the city as he appeared in front of Luca, speaking few words. “I challenge you for the right to destroy this city.” He then moved into a defensive stance, a smirk on his grim face, he then started to cackle.
Luca scowled and charged at the man, his speed making him seem invisible, moving in a near instant as he slashed with an extreme amount of accuracy and anger, the older man simply started to dodge the attacks, then switching to a parry, his blade smashing against Luca’s, he then took the offensive side, slashing madly at Luca, the blade moving some-what slower than Luca’s, the force behind the blows seemingly much stronger, the force looking to be enough to shatter stone.
Luca smirked as the blade flashed against his, Luca grabbed the man’s scythe and threw it to the ground, dropping his own he then moved to punch the man, not having the minimal weight of the scythe making him move even faster, launching several hundred punches a second as the other man found it hard to parry, dodging the rest he then took the offense again, making hundreds of punches a second as-well, cackling as his fists pounded against Luca’s arms and body, the barrage of attacks making Luca grab the man’s fist, Luca felt a huge shock through his arm as all the force has instantly stopped.
Luca stared at the man, making a huge kick towards his ribs, moving at an unimaginable speed, the commandant of the creatures grunting as he felt several ribs crack, dropping to the ground he then stared up at Luca, rasping a few words. “You win, I will leave.” The man then passed out, the beasts then started to stare at Luca, running off in a huge flurry of movements and scared whining, the north gates and walls of the city being demolished as they fled, Luca grinned and picked up his opponent, walking towards the castle he called for a medical unit of the cities military, the unit entered the castle and took the man towards the medical centre of the castle.
The unknown former commandant of the creatures left the medical centre, entering the throne room he then bowed to Luca. “I am sorry for the trouble I have caused you, my name is Ar’Tury Deathmist, and I would like to thank you for helping me recover after destroying your city...” Luca smiled and nodded, replying to the man. “Your apology is accepted, and you are also welcome, you are a skilled warrior, and I would like to offer you a spot in my military, as the General of my Army.” Luca started to chuckle, awaiting his answer, Ar’Tury smiled, nodding in agreement. “That would be my honour!”
Ar’Tury squirmed in his uniform, an expression of anger shown on his face as he stared at his uniform, he then looked up to Luca, watching the man burst into laughter, his face contorted into an expression of amusement, Ar’Tury then smiled and started to laugh as well, forgetting his anger to his uniform, they both started to chuckle, walking towards the gate, a huge army following suite, the pound of their feet upon the ground shaking the city, the army of hundreds of thousands of highly trained soldiers moving towards the huge capital of the kingdom.




Luca cackled and started to move back towards his home, saluting Ar’Tury as he disappeared in a flurry of grass and dirt, Ar’Tury continued his march, the huge army of soldiers following him as he neared closer and closer towards the capital, the city of Arabel, the army being dwarfed by the huge city, the marched onwards, standing outside the city they waited, Ar’Tury stared ahead, a smirk on his lips.
A guard looked down at him, fear in his eyes. “What have you come here for?” Ar’Tury chuckled and stated. “I have come to take this city in the name of Luca Uachi-Torz!” Ar’Tury started to cackle and pointed towards the city, the huge army charged, the gate of the city bursting open in an instant as the cities military was taken surprised, a booming cackle was heard all over the city, the many guards being slaughtered brutally under the armies force, severely outnumbering the attacking force had not helped them, Ar’Tury’s military force massacred the enemies force.
Luca appeared in front of Ar’Tury after the fight had ended a huge grin on his face as he placed a hand on his shoulder, nodding towards him as he spoke. “You have done well my friend...” Ar’Tury smiled and smirked, walking away he stared at Luca, he then sat down on a seat, the army pillaging the city, stealing and burning and killing, the sound of screams filling the air as Luca left, sitting in his throne, awaiting the rewards of the cities capture.
Ar’Tury entered the city with the huge army following behind him, each man carrying huge amounts of gold and items, cheers of victory ensued from the cities civilians as they saw the amount of gold, Ar’Tury motioned for them to take it to the vault under the city, the many soldiers walked into the castle with huge amounts of gold and left empty-handed, grinning Luca announced loudly. “In favour of the gods, we have amounted several billion denarii, and every civilian will get one hundred gold denarius!”
Luca smiled at the cheers of his people, one certain cheer in Latin had encouraged him to keep being their ruler, and simply not just destroy them. “Vivat Luca!” he started to chuckle and walk back into his castle, smiling broadly, simply unaware of the other cities aiming to destroy him and his city, the conjoined armies of them looking to be over ten times the amount of his army, the ground several miles away shook tremendously at the incoming armada.
A strange man appeared in the throne room, he started to pant, running in he bowed lightly and started to speak. “My lord! An Army approaches from the east! We must set up our defences!” Luca turned to him and frowned; he waved his hand and told the man. “Set up the defences on every perimeter!” The strange man then ran off, screaming the orders frantically. “Our lord says to set up defences everywhere!”
Luca smiled, knowing that his home would never be taken over by mere humans, he had grown somewhat attached to the city, though he knows that it will one day be destroyed by a force greater than his own, he stood and moved out of the throne room, to meet the enemy on the field of battle, he grabbed his scythe and moved forwards, standing several kilometres in front of the gate, the rest of his glorious army covering the ground behind him, he strode several feet forward to meet the general of the enemies army, Ar’Tury followed suit.

Luca stared at his enemy, the general of the enemy’s army smirking, looking back at his huge military force, visibly dwarfing Luca’s army, Luca swung an powerful swipe with his scythe, the blade moving with all his anger as he struck true, the blade ripping the man’s head off, the decapitated head flying high into the air, the body hitting the ground, the horse sprinting off terrified, Luca’s army charged at that, the suddenness of the attack took the enemy by surprise.
The battle was fierce, many men lost their lives that day, including the general of Luca’s army; Ar’Tury, he was overtaken by several hundred men, getting stabbed through the back of his chest, through his heart, Luca, enraged by this moved into a somewhat battle-rage mode, slaughtering thousands of men in a few mere minutes, the remnants of the huge army that attacked Luca fled, the stench of blood and death filled the air as Ar’Tury’s corpse was burnt that day.
Luca sat on his throne, staring ahead at the vast hall in front of him, saddened by the loss of his general and friend, he sighed sadly and laid back into his chair, looking around, he grabbed Sanguine Sal Tore from its holding place and smiled softly, he started to clean the vast blade, images of war flooding through his mind with a sadistic grin, thinking back on the wars events he decides to go and attack the cities that killed his friend.
Luca starts to walk out of the castle, the citizens staring at him and chattering, a guard walked up to him and asked where he was going, Luca merely replied. “To revenge Ar’Tury” the guard nodded and returned to his business, Luca kept walking, a frown on his face as he disappeared, reappeared several kilometres from a city that had caused the death of Ar’Tury, moving in with an extreme amount of speed he jumped, landing on a guard on the wall in a second.
Screams of agony were heard as the man’s chest was being torn apart inch by inch with Luca’s rage, using his bare hands to tear flesh and bone away from his torso, cackling madly as several guards tried to pry him off the man, grabbing one by the throat he then tore it out, a smile touching his lips, he then grabbed one man and tore the front of his head right from the skull, the contents of his head spilling everywhere.
A horrifying cackle was heard from the wall as he jumped, landing on the ground, a huge crater being made in the area, a maddening smile forming on his lips as he walks forward, killing civilians and guards alike with Sanguine, the scythe disembowelling and decapitating, bifurcating and maiming all those that were around him, showing no mercy, not even to those of children that screamed in horror at their dead parents, themselves following suit.
The world seemingly turned silent the moment Luca entered the throne room of the castle, his eyes emotionless, merciless, as he walked up to the king, grabbing him by the throat his teeth sharpened slowly, he then moved his mouth over his neck and started to bite, ripping the flesh and veins from his neck, cackling loudly as he did the same to the pompous queen next to the king, screaming in pain horror at her dead husband.
Luca appeared in the throne room of another castle, inside another city, nothing happening outside as he strolled inside, the king shocked at the arrival of the blood-soaked man, demanding. “Who are you?” Luca merely ignored him and grabbed him by the neck, punching him in the chest and grabbing his heart, staring at it with glee as he tore it from his chest, biting into it, smiling madly.
Murmurs of worry arose from the citizens of Luca’s city as they saw him return, covered in blood and gore, a smile upon his face, he continued to walk into his castle, calling for a bath he then strips down and bathes, cleaning himself for the first time in several weeks, removing the caked blood from his hair and the gore from his skin, the cleansing of his body was the avengement of Ar’Tury, Luca’s beloved general.
Can't say I'm proud of myself.
"Nothing matters, but it's perhaps more comfortable to keep calm and not interfere with other people." - HP Lovecraft.

Also.

I am Thatguy98.

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DuplicateValue
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Re: One of my stories.

Post by DuplicateValue » 07 Oct 2011, 14:17

Just a quick observation - you really need to shorten your sentences a bit. The first sentence alone is 124 words long, mainly as there's commas where a full-stop would serve better.

Punctuation directs the flow of the words, so it's important to use it well. :)
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"He's like fire, and ice, and rage.
He's like the night, and the storm in the heart of the sun.
He's ancient and forever.
He burns at the centre of time and he can see the turn of the universe.
And... he's wonderful."

Someguy42
Posts: 604
Joined: 27 Jun 2011, 04:51

Re: One of my stories.

Post by Someguy42 » 07 Oct 2011, 14:43

What is this...I don't even...
Image

I'd suggest putting this in a spoiler.

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MortuiMansit
Posts: 28
Joined: 06 Oct 2011, 01:21

Re: One of my stories.

Post by MortuiMansit » 07 Oct 2011, 16:43

DuplicateValue wrote:Just a quick observation - you really need to shorten your sentences a bit. The first sentence alone is 124 words long, mainly as there's commas where a full-stop would serve better.

Punctuation directs the flow of the words, so it's important to use it well. :)
Wrote it before I was adopted into grammar nazism.
"Nothing matters, but it's perhaps more comfortable to keep calm and not interfere with other people." - HP Lovecraft.

Also.

I am Thatguy98.

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MortuiMansit
Posts: 28
Joined: 06 Oct 2011, 01:21

Re: One of my stories.

Post by MortuiMansit » 07 Oct 2011, 16:44

Stalke wrote:What is this...I don't even...
Image

I'd suggest putting this in a spoiler.
You... Don't like it?
"Nothing matters, but it's perhaps more comfortable to keep calm and not interfere with other people." - HP Lovecraft.

Also.

I am Thatguy98.

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Aenir_bEPU
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Re: One of my stories.

Post by Aenir_bEPU » 07 Oct 2011, 17:49

People like giant walls of text being put into spoilers. Less crowded.
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Tulonsae
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Re: One of my stories.

Post by Tulonsae » 08 Oct 2011, 15:33

Thatguy98 wrote:
DuplicateValue wrote:Just a quick observation - you really need to shorten your sentences a bit. The first sentence alone is 124 words long, mainly as there's commas where a full-stop would serve better.

Punctuation directs the flow of the words, so it's important to use it well. :)
Wrote it before I was adopted into grammar nazism.
Writing clearly so people can understand is not the same as grammar nazism.

If you want to improve your writing, try editing the OP story so that it's easier to read and clearly says what you intend. I would find it interesting to see how much your writing has improved since you were 10.
--Tulonsae

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MortuiMansit
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Joined: 06 Oct 2011, 01:21

Re: One of my stories.

Post by MortuiMansit » 09 Oct 2011, 02:51

Tulonsae wrote:
Thatguy98 wrote:
DuplicateValue wrote:Just a quick observation - you really need to shorten your sentences a bit. The first sentence alone is 124 words long, mainly as there's commas where a full-stop would serve better.

Punctuation directs the flow of the words, so it's important to use it well. :)
Wrote it before I was adopted into grammar nazism.
Writing clearly so people can understand is not the same as grammar nazism.

If you want to improve your writing, try editing the OP story so that it's easier to read and clearly says what you intend. I would find it interesting to see how much your writing has improved since you were 10.
I'd rather not work on one of my older stories, I like to leave it as it is so that I can see how well I've improved, or if I've gotten worse at writing. But, I will post another story soon.
"Nothing matters, but it's perhaps more comfortable to keep calm and not interfere with other people." - HP Lovecraft.

Also.

I am Thatguy98.

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Aenir_bEPU
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Re: One of my stories.

Post by Aenir_bEPU » 09 Oct 2011, 08:12

You can keep both the original and the revised version you know...
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