Escapecraft

Here we go. I don’t know why I’m supposed to keep these logs, but when the Commander tells you to start keeping track of things, you don’t disappoint him. He says he wants these “for posterity”. I assume he just wants to laugh at our pitiful attempts to explain what’s going on. I think maybe he just wants to have other viewpoints so he doesn’t go down in infamy.

It’s all for the best, I suppose I should bow to his stupid whims. It has been…what, 10 years? It seems like forever ago that the wars started. IAC just made them easier. ISSAC, Intelligent Self-Sustaining Armament Control. I wonder who came up with that name…I would have named it Steve. Steve is a good name. But I digress. You want something for posterity Commander? I’ll give you something for posterity.

So, in 2029, when I was born, the world was reveling in prosperity. Sales were up, the Global Dollar was stronger than ever, and most of the major conflicts had been resolved. We were truly a world nation.

Truly, we had simplified life as much as possible. Almost all of the work was now done by Nomms…that is, Non-Manned Mechanized Servants. It’s hard to write for posterity, I keep forgetting that they might not know our slang terms…Anyway, life was good for years. When I was 14 (in 2043, in case posterity forgets how to do math), we had a new discovery: ISAAC. ISAAC was a breakthrough in computing technology. There had been artificial intelligences before, but they had the nasty habit of trying to overthrow humanity (look up the Robot Revolt of 2020, I don’t have time to go into that).

Of course ISAAC was a type of artificial intelligence, but it was very strongly hampered. It was incapable of independent thought, only independent action. It sounds weird, but think of it like one of those robotic vacuums from the end of the 1990’s, but more advanced. We immediately deployed ISAAC to maintain all of our systems, from military and power to Nomms in everyone’s houses. It seemed like a new age for humanity.

Randomly, it seems, that’s when it all went to hell. I guess once everyone’s lives had been reduced to simple pleasures, everyone had a lot of time to sit around and think. What did they think about? “Boy, does the grass look green just over the border.”

Yup, by the end of 2043, the wars had started. Every nation, yes EVERY nation, was now battling on EVERY front. They are still going on to this day! The death toll, you ask? Zero. Not a single person has died, because ISAAC is controlling the military of every individual nation. From manufacture to destruction, death machines are rolling directly out from the assembly line to the battlefield without a human every touching one. It’s a marvelous feat of design, let me tell you.

Regarding the last 10 years: there has been not one push forward or retreat backward. The front lines are filled with explosions and mayhem, but completely static. I think the biggest reason is because ISAAC is battling himself…itself…whatever. Nobody wins an argument inside your own head, especially when you’re not sure what the reason for it is. Similarly, ISAAC, despite its advanced algorithms for calculating troop movements, battle strategy, etc. is fighting itself, it can never win.

Essentially it’s ok though. Even when they implemented the mandatory draft, it was fine. Everyone knows we’re not actually going to be bothered. We all just have to write these stupid history lessons “for posterity”.

Posterity, I really don’t understand why they would want to hear any of this anyway. It’s not like I’m a high ranking officer, or even a middle ranking Lieutenant. In typical military terms (IE those before the golden years) I would probably be somewhere between a private, and a nothing.

Everyone thinks they’re better than they are. I’ve heard some of my friends talking about their letters. Their long-winded discussions on the ramifications of the ongoing wars, opinions for ending them, personal appeals to the Commander…None of it is going to matter. Honestly, I doubt if the Commander even reads most of these. They just get stored away somewhere…probably that big datacenter on the moon.

Actually, I think that’s enough for today. It’s almost time for the Commander’s address to his troops. I’m not sure when I’ll be able to make my next installment, but if I don’t keep writing them, I’ll get demerits. Nobody wants demerits, trust me.

This address is supposed to be something special. Rumor has it that the Commander has some sort of secret weapon he’s been developing, that could put a stop to the wars. Not just on our borders, but ALL the wars. I hope it won’t put a damper on my lifestyle, I’ve become accustomed to being a lump, and I’d really like to keep my lump status for another decade or three.

Sorry for rambling, I’m not really sure how I’m supposed to end these stupid things? Umm…So long!

Yup! I’m back! Bet you didn’t think I’d write another log did you? “He’s going to get all the demerits and then we’ll never hear from him again.” HAHA, fooled you!

On the subject of demerits though, I suppose I should explain them to “posterity”. A demerit is just a bad mark, but if you accumulate enough of them you’ll need retraining. I’ve never personally had to do it, but I know people who have. You go to a facility somewhere secret for a month or so...with no Nomms. You heard me, no Nomms at all. At this facility, you have to cook and clean and take care of yourself. From what I’ve heard, spending even one day there is enough to make you regret every bad decision you’ve ever made. Honestly, I don’t know how people did it.

Understandably, therefore, demerits are to be avoided at all cost. Which brings me to my point, this log! It’s been what, 4 days since I last wrote one? I realize I’m moving at a rocket’s pace compared to what I thought I would be doing, but I’m nothing compared to my neighbors, ruddy bastards. They’ve written 20 logs between the two of them TODAY. How can anyone come up with that much to say? I struggle every time coming up with stuff to say! I refuse to pad out my logs with nonsense. I shall discuss only that which is relevant, interesting, and insightful…

Clearly that won’t work. OH! I know, the Commander’s address! I believe I mentioned last time that he was going to divulge a “secret weapon” for ending the war. Well, he divulged alright! Let me explain it to you in a way “posterity” will understand.

Alright, so you remember the analogy I made in my last log about having a fight inside your own mind? This is what ISAAC is going thorough right now. Because he is incapable of independent thought, he can’t possibly come up with a solution to his fight. All he can do is continue to try to outsmart himself, which is, obviously, impossible.

Now, imagine what would happen if you were having an argument inside your own head. Let’s say you’re arguing over what is better, beef paste or chicken paste. For argument’s sake, let’s pretend they both taste fantastic and are just as nutritious. You simply cannot decide, they’re completely equally balanced. Now, imagine if you suddenly realized that beef paste is the best thing you’ve ever heard of, and chicken paste is aweful. That would make the decision easier, wouldn’t it?

That’s what the Commander has planned. He has been meeting with his board in secret for several years, and he believes they have discovered a way to implant into ISAAC the idea that our country is better than any of the others. There would be no more reason to fight! ISAAC would simply refuse, regardless of what other countries tried to tell it. Just like our make-believe argument. If you knew, beyond any doubt, that beef paste was the best thing in the whole universe, you wouldn’t listen to anyone tell you otherwise, because you *know* it to be true.

Firstly, I want to say the Commander’s opinion is sound and I trust his judgment. However, I would really like to know how exactly he plans to make this change. I mean, ISAAC has run successfully for many years, without any of the problems from 2020. I have to believe that throwing a new chunk of code into his mind might skew the balance a bit. I mean, I’m all for ending the wars, but I don’t really want to do that if there’s any chance of humans being harmed.

I know, I should just trust in the Commander’s judgment, but honestly, it terrifies me a bit. I know it scares the general population as well. The polls after the address indicated a lot of trepidation on behalf of the populace, so I know I’m not the only one. Not that the Commander ever really pays attention to the polls, we haven’t had an elected official running the country since the Election of 2012. Rather, the polls are more a way to get a general idea of how well liked the Commander is. After all, acceptance is the highest form of flattery, is it not?

Good news from home as well. I was finally granted permission for a Movement Nomm. I don’t have to walk around like a child anymore, now I can move with grace and style! My neighbors don’t even have a M-Nomm yet, take that Dinklebergs.

Harold, the owner of the shop down the road, told me a funny joke yesterday. A man floats into a bar, and instructs the Sales Nomm to make him a drink. The S-Nomm requests the specific type of beverage, and is instructed to surprise the man. Upon finishing the drink, the S-Nomm places it on the counter in front of the man. The man’s attention is drawn to the drink by the statistical analysis of the contents displayed by his Health Nomm, and he says “What, do you expect me to reach all the way over there and grab that?”

There was nothing I could do but laugh. Imagine, an S-Nomm ignoring the needs of a customer by expecting them to exert physical strain and risk possible injury by leaving the safety sphere of their external transport vehicles, rather than simply inserting the drink into the vehicle’s biological necessity receptacle! Honestly though, any person who brought a transport vehicle into a bar would deserve to be treated that way. Everyone knows that once you arrive at your destination, you engage your M-Nomm to ferry you about, or you walk. Anyway, I suppose that should be the end for today. Erm…bye.