Arogon's novel :D

It's old but gold. If it could help you out we've probably chucked it in here.
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arogon343
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Arogon's novel :D

Post by arogon343 » 27 Mar 2011, 11:57

Righto i am writing a book, well i have been but progress is slowing down very quickly so i need a motivaor.
That motivator is the forums (hopefully)
I will aim to write a chapter every 2-3 weeks or two and post it up here.
Thing is i have no idea whether anyone will want to read it :P
So if you want to read my fantasy book then just post something saying...well, i want to read it.
I will post the first chapter anyway so you can have a read ^_^ (when i get on the computer rather than the laptop)
CEO of D.I.A.S Corp.
if at first you dont succeed, 5 blackadders of tnt usualy helps....
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arogon343
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Re: Arogon's novel :D

Post by arogon343 » 29 Mar 2011, 17:32

CHAPTER ONE
THE UNPREPARED PRINCE
Dracarius pried his weary eyes open and gave his room a brief scan before his brain caught up with his body and realised he was awake, there was no point trying to sleep now, light was already spilling forth through the window illuminating the cold, sparsely furnished room that was his own. He wrenched himself free from the warmth clutches of his bed and wandered over to his surprisingly clean mirror that was perched on the far wall.
He stared at mirror expectantly and a young shaven prince stared back at him,
He stood for a moment almost, mesmerised at his own appearance; it only seemed like yesterday that he woke up from the same bed only seven summers old when he found out that he would be the heir to the throne.
“not long now, soon I wont just be an heir to the throne of Draconax but I shall be ruling it!” his dominating but hushed voice shook off the last shreds of sleep from his mind as he moved to call his servants to dress him in his morning attire, ready to start yet another arduous day that awaited him.
Washed and dressed Draco, as he preferred to be called, glided down the cold stone stairs, closely followed by his Agrailian robe, to the main hall where his younger brothers awaited him but more importantly where breakfast awaited him. Draco was a slim built man but his eating habits would suggest the opposite to anyone outside the aristocracy of Draconax. He took almost no notice of his younger brothers or any of the servants as he realised how hungry he was and dove into the vast array of foods before him. Draco loved breakfast; he saw it as an excuse to have a filling meal that required no dress code or meeting of some foreign emissary who only wanted to talk about wrenching free yet more gold from the prince’s treasury.
After consuming what seemed a mountain of food he finally gave notice to the rest of the room. He noticed something amiss. As he racked his brains trying to discover the abnormality in the room he noticed the look on his brothers faces who were both sat on the opposite side of the wooden table that stretched the length of the great hall.
After a prolonged silence Draco decided he’d take the initiative.
“ is something amiss brothers?”
The two brothers looked at each other in what seemed to be patronisation but the silence was broken and the question answered by the eldest brother replied in a venomous tone.
“you have to be in Draconarch in less than fifteen minutes Draco, id get dressed if I were you and get your ass down there otherwise you’ll miss the celebrations.”
Draco stared wide eyed for a moment. He looked again round the hall and now noticed the banners that would be no doubt already in Draconarch on his royal float. He then looked at chonomiter at gave a strained sigh, he stood for a moment staring at his watch; he couldn’t believe how he had let this slip past him. He had practiced his speech for hours and now he was in danger of missing the celebrations entirely.
His concentration was broken by his brother’s helpful reminder In the form of a hard kick to the shin on his way past Draco. Draco stood up knocking over the heavy wooden chair he was sat on and raced up the stairs leaving a trail of discarded sleepwear in his wake.
Within minutes he was ready and already at the stables in full ceremonial armour where his brothers were already mounting horses as were the thirty guards who would escort them all to the capital that lay just through the forest.
Draco hated riding in armour but it was the only way to get there fast enough so he mounted up, rather clumsily, and began to catch up with his brothers who were already some distance down the cobbled road. He grabbed the reins and kicked his spurs into the horses thighs as it reared up, nearly toppling Draco, before setting off galloping down the road at great speed. The guards were following suit but they could not keep up with him for the moment as Draco sped down the road after his brothers.
He could feel the wind ripping through the gaps in the armour and cooling Draco down and enabling himself to concentrate on riding rather than weather he would turn up to the celebration as one large patch of sweat. He had changed his opinion now he loved riding in armour it gave him a sense of power that was rarely found buried in a pile of books and papers that Draco was so used to being in.
As they entered the forest they began to slow down and the guards caught up with enough wind left in them to utter a few words of advice to the prince.
“sir were here to guard you and we cant do that if your half a mile away, please stick close to us sir and let us do our jobs.”
Draco just smirked and let the guards envelop him in a curtain of horse and steel.
Minutes past and not one word was spoken between the guards or the royals. the silence was finally broken when Draco span of his saddle and attempted to spark up a conversation to a guard but the guards simply ignored him and carried on as he was. The guard went to open his mouth but a smouldering glare from the captain stopped the guard in his tracks and he returned to the same expression as any of the other guards.
Draco sat for a moment before turning round to a strange noise that sounded like a washing line being snapped. He sat, listening before hearing the horrible noise of wind rushing through feathers. He ducked immediately as the guard ion front of him gave a gargling noise as an arrow tip protruded from the back of his neck, coated in blood. Everything seemed to stop at that moment as everyone had a sudden realisation of what had happened and what was about to happen.
Draco strained his ears trying to find the source of the noise but his heart sank when he heard the noise of bowstrings snapping all around him. He immediately slammed down his visor and threw himself from his horse to avoid the inevitable shower of arrows that was speeding towards his party.
He pulled himself from the dirt and forced himself to stand even though his leg left screamed with pain. Looked around and desperately shouted for his guards but they were too concerned fighting the bandits who had now flooded the road and were now throwing themselves upon the guards.
The captain rode at the bandit screaming his challenge but he was unhorsed as a second bandit skewered his horse and he plummeted to the ground. He was shaken, but still conscious, he realized he had to think fast otherwise his job would be over already. He waited for them to rush towards him to finish him off but he was ready. As the first bandit ran over to slide his knife through his visor he broke the assailant’s leg with a metal plated boot to the knee and then used him to bring himself to his feet and start sprinting, rather clumsily, as fast as possible to the second bandit who was busy trying to rip his spear free from his beloved horse.
The bandit who had slain his horse had no idea the sword was arcing down towards him before it was too late.. He felt the sword bury itself into the bandits torso and he ripped it free again from the now screaming bandit who fell to the floor rolling in his own blood.
The captain now had one duty, to protect the prince. He saw the bandit warlord prowling the battle looking for the prince and he knew that when he spotted him so had the warlord. The bandit was a giant of a man who thick muscles seemed to burst out of his scraps of armour that was scattered about his person. Two of the guards spotted the giant and realised his intentions towards their prince and ran towards him one with an axe and the other with a sword and the distinctive shield of Draconiax. The warlord turned grinning wildly as he swung his war hammer in a huge arc that barely missed one of the soldiers but it stopped him in his tracks, he had no way of defending against the backswing of the war hammer that shattered his skull into fragments that coated the second guard who gave his own battle cry and rushed at the warlord bringing up his shield to attempt to block the inevitable hammer swing. The warlord brought his hammer down onto the reinforced shield. The man underneath screamed in pain as the shield broke in two and his arm broke under the force of the blow. He fell to his knees clutching his ruined arm before looking up in time to see the second swing that would end his life.
The captain saw his chance, as the warlord was pulling his hammer from the remains of the guard’s torso he leaped onto the hulking figure and plunged his sword into his back. He pushed as hard as he could but the warlord hardly seemed too noticed and threw himself on his back, attempting to crush the captain beneath his massive bulk. The captain didn’t see it coming and didn’t have time to get out of the way. His helmet bent inwards as well as most of his armour and he was immobile. His body was screaming in pain but he pulled as hard as he could and he thought he might just be able to get up but suddenly he felt a pressure on his head. The warlord pressed his boot on the captain’s helm with all his force before it collapsed and what used to be the captain was leaking out of the mangled visor.
Draco was now on his feet facing a group of three bandits who were blocking his escape. Draco had never so much as struck another person with a sword but the books he had read prepared him well enough as he got his balance and prepared for the onslaught of the bandits. One launched his spear at him and it struck him dead on in the chest but the thick breastplate deflected it. He was thrown off balance for only a moment but that was all the bandits needed, they launched themselves at him but he was ready. He put himself back on balance with his sword and swung it upwards into the chest of the first attacker. He ripped it free and then parried the second attackers blow before ramming his knee into his groin. The attacker doubled over in agony as the first attacker gave his last death spasms.
He didn’t see the third assailant behind him with a club before he felt a hard thump on the back of his head. he span round, dazed and tried to attack but he simply swung his sword through thin air. His vision was blurry and his ears were ringing but he wasn’t down yet he swung his sword in a huge arc and gave a sigh of relief as his blade bit into the thigh of the attacker he pulled his sword free to drive it into the attackers chest but before he could he took another blow to the head and he blacked out.
Draco woke some time later in a daze. He could still feel the warm sticky blood that coated the back of his head. He pried open his eyes and tried to face his captors but his vision was blurred and he had a incredible urge to throw up, but he contained himself for he was not going to embarrass himself any further than being captured. He tried to sit up but realized he was already sat on something and had his hands tied. He saw a figure approach and he raised his head to meet them.
“Feeling better are we now brother?”
Draco did not understand at first but soon it came to him and as he recognised the familiarity of the person’s voice the drowsiness was replaced with burning hatred as he forced his eyes to focus on the figure.
“Ignus what have you done? Why!” Draco looked at his older brothers face and saw a dark malice in his eyes that he had never before seen. He looked around to see the bandit warlord stood close behind him and a number of his cronies behind.
“Brother I know you won’t forgive me so I won’t Apologise but I shall keep it simple shall I? I want the throne. I need the throne. I have plans for this kingdom to make it great again, we will conquer the world again but if I have to wait most of my life for you to die that won’t be very easy now will it? I am going to do you a little favour and give you a holiday...A very, very long holiday.”
Draco’s brother then stood up, grinning wildly before turning on his heel and starting to walk away after handing a note to the bandit leader.
Before Draco could defeat his astonishment and shock he felt a damp cloth being clamped over his mouth. The last sound he heard was his brothers mocking laughter before he was claimed by the blackness once more...
Last edited by arogon343 on 29 Mar 2011, 17:37, edited 1 time in total.
CEO of D.I.A.S Corp.
if at first you dont succeed, 5 blackadders of tnt usualy helps....
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arogon343
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Re: Arogon's novel :D

Post by arogon343 » 29 Mar 2011, 17:36

The chapters will be written slowly but steadily, however some feedback may encourage me to write more and more quickly.....:D
CEO of D.I.A.S Corp.
if at first you dont succeed, 5 blackadders of tnt usualy helps....
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Skunk_Giant
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Re: Arogon's novel :D

Post by Skunk_Giant » 31 Mar 2011, 15:31

I'll take a read over this when I have time. :D
Oh hey, I have a signature now! 26/07/11


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EricSmarties
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Re: Arogon's novel :D

Post by EricSmarties » 04 Apr 2011, 11:54

I say well played sire !!!

Next chapter draco flees into wild were he learns how to survive by making torches and pickaxes ! :D
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maninahat
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Re: Arogon's novel :D

Post by maninahat » 14 Aug 2011, 17:22

Things that might need looking at:

1) The opening sentence is really long. It's 50+ words. Opening sentences have to be short and snappy.
2) Remember that the opening line serves to hook the reader into your story. If you look at most opening lines, they rely onclever word play, or a mystery, or a thought to get readers in the mood. Yours talks about a guy trying to wake up out of bed. It isn't myserious, unusual, or all that interesting. It is possible to make something as banal as getting out of bed interesting, but only through some clever piece of word play, or some original insight into the act.
3) The narrator tells us too much information. It is their job to let us know what is going on, but narrators best work when they give limited descriptions, and avoid explaining stuff to us. We should be shown stuff and left to infer what it means for ourselves. That way, you get a sense of mystery and reader involvement. For instance, instead of just telling the reader that the protagonist is a prince, have the narrator describe an action that lets the reader infer he is a prince: "Dracarius glanced at the crown on its guilded stand, and decided he would not wear it today". That line lets the reader infer that Dracarius is noble and to the high life without the book explicitly saying so. In short, Show, don't tell. Books aren't passive, they engage the reader. So don't give them all the goods up front (that's dull), and make them think.

They are just a few points to consider. I haven't finished reading your chapter yet, and those points are just the three main ones that first come to mind. I hope it helps.

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