I found a thread on one of the other forums I frequent containing the most hilarious jokes, stories, and tall tales.
I figure escapecraft can use such a thread.
Example:
Prince Charles decided to take up jogging.
Every day, he'd jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout from the curb.
"No! Five pounds!" He would fire back, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
He'd run by and she'd yell, "One hundred and Fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog.
As the jogging couple neared the working woman's street corner,
Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his Wife.
As they jogged into the turn that would take them past the corner, he became even more apprehensive than usual..
Sure enough, there was the hooker. He tried to avoid the prostitute's eyes as she watched the pair jog past.
Then, from her corner, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard?!"
At 78 years of age, Vern married Suzie, a lovely 25 year old.
Since her new husband is so old, Suzie decided that after their wedding she and Vern should have separate bedrooms, she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Suzie prepared herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock came, the door opened and there is Vern, her 78 year old groom, ready for action..
They unite as one.
All goes well, Vern takes his leave and she prepares to go to sleep.
A few minutes later Suzie hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Vern - again he is ready for more action.
Somewhat surprised, Susie consents for more coupling..
When the newlyweds are done, Vern kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.
Exhausted from Vern's amorous attentions Suzie is set to go to sleep when again there is a gentle knock on the door........Vern is back, fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more action.
And, once again, they enjoy each other.
As Vern gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often.. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Vern.'
Vern, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Suzie and says......
This one may be considered a little offensive... (but funny enough to post)
Spoiler! :
A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She was a very good-looking woman and determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching, so she decided to place an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk.
She thought long and hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked, and the ranch was doing very well.
Then one day, the rancher's widow said to the hired hand, 'You have done a really good job, and the ranch looks great You should go into town and kick up your heels.' The hired hand readily agreed and went into town one Saturday night. One o'clock came, however, and he didn't return. Two o'clock and no hired hand. Finally he returned around two-thirty, and upon entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace with a glass of wine, waiting for him.
She quietly called him over to her. 'Unbutton my blouse and take it off,' she said. Trembling, he did as she directed. 'Now take off my boots.' He did as she asked, ever so slowly. Now take off my stockings.' He removed each gently and placed them neatly by her boots. 'Now take off my skirt.' He slowly unbuttoned it, constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. 'Now take off my bra.' Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the floor. Then she looked at him an
Then she looked at him and said, 'If you ever wear my clothes into town again, you're fired!'
After I retired, my wife insisted that I accompany her on her trips to Target. Unfortunately, like most men, I found shopping boring and preferred to get in and get out.
Equally unfortunate, my wife is like most women - she loves to browse. Yesterday my dear wife received the following letter from the local Target:.
Dear Mrs. Samuel,
Over the past six months, your husband has caused quite a commotion in our store. We cannot tolerate this behavior and have been forced to ban both of you from the store. Our complaints against your husband, Mr. Samuel, are listed below and are documented by our video surveillance cameras.
1. June 15:
Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in other people's carts when they weren't looking.
2. July 2:
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
3. July 7:
He made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the women's restroom.
4. July 19:
Walked up to an employee and told her in an official voice, 'Code 3 in Housewares. Get on it right away'. This caused the employee to leave her assigned station and receive a reprimand from her Supervisor that in turn resulted with a union grievance, causing management to lose time and costing the company money.
5. August 4:
Went to the Service Desk and tried to put a bag of M&Ms on layaway.
6. August 14:
Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
7. August 15:
Set up a tent in the camping department and told the children shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring pillows and blankets from the bedding department to which twenty children obliged.
8. August 23:
When a clerk asked if they could help him he began crying and screamed, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?' ........................EMTs were called.
9. September 4:
Looked right into the security camera and used it as a mirror while he picked his nose.
10. September 10:
While handling guns in the hunting department, he asked the clerk where the antidepressants were.
11. October 3:
Darted around the store suspiciously while loudly humming the 'Mission Impossible' theme.
12. October 6:
In the auto department, he practiced his 'Madonna look' by using different sizes of funnels.
13. October 18:
Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed through, yelled 'PICK ME! PICK ME!'
14. October 21:
When an announcement came over the loud speaker, he assumed a fetal position and screamed ...'OH NO! .......IT'S THOSE VOICES AGAIN!'
And last, but not least:
15. October 23:
Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited awhile, then yelled very loudly, 'HEY! There's no toilet paper in here.' .... One of the clerks passed out.
> > It is near the Christmas break of the school year. The students have
> turned
> > in all their work and there is
> > really nothing more to do. All the children are restless and the teacher
> > decides to have an early dismissal.
> >
> > Teacher: "Whoever answers the questions I ask, first and correctly can
> leave
> > early today."
> >
> > Little Johnny says to himself "Good, I want to get outta here. I'm smart
> and
> > will answer the question."
> >
> > Teacher: "Who said 'Four Score and Seven Years Ago'?"
> >
> > Before Johnny can open his mouth, Susie says, "Abraham Lincoln."
> >
> > Teacher: "That's right Susie, you can go home."
> >
> > Johnny is mad that Susie answered the question first.
> >
> > Teacher: "Who said 'I Have a Dream'?"
> >
> > Before Johnny can open his mouth, Mary says, "Martin Luther King."
> >
> > Teacher: "That's right Mary, you can go."
> >
> > Johnny is even madder than before.
> >
> > Teacher: "Who said 'Ask not, what your country can do for you'?"
> >
> > Before Johnny can open his mouth, Nancy says, "John F. Kennedy."
> >
> > Teacher: "That's right Nancy, you may also leave."
> >
> > Johnny is boiling mad that he has not been able to answer to any of the
> > questions.
> >
> > When the teacher turns her back Johnny says, "I wish these bitches would
> > keep their mouths shut!"
> >
> > The teacher turns around: "NOW WHO SAID THAT?"
> >
> > Johnny: "TIGER WOODS. CAN I GO NOW?"
So, basicly a thread for all those "Forward this to 20 people" e-mails that housewives get and somehow make their way to me, to which I have to yell at the person who sent me it to never do it again, as they're retarded and don't know how to use a blind carbon copy.
Judge # 1 -- A little too heavy on the tomato. Amusing kick.
Judge # 2 -- Nice, smooth tomato flavor. Very mild.
Judge # 3 (Frank) -- Holy crap, what the hell is this stuff? You could remove dried paint from your driveway. It took me two beers to put the flames out. I hope that's the worst one. These New Mexicans are crazy.
CHILE # 2 - EL RANCHO'S AFTERBURNER CHILE
Judge # 1 -- Smoky, with a hint of pork. Slight jalapeno tang..
Judge # 2 -- Exciting BBQ flavor, needs more peppers to be taken seriously.
Judge # 3 -- Keep this out of the reach of children. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to taste besides pain. I had to wave off two people who wanted to give me the Heimlich maneuver. They had to rush in more beer when they saw the look on my face.
CHILI # 3 - ALFREDO'S FAMOUS BURN DOWN THE BARN CHILI
Judge # 1 -- Excellent firehouse chile. Great kick.
Judge # 2 -- A bit salty, good use of peppers.
Judge # 3 -- Call the EPA. I've located a uranium spill. My nose feels like I have been snorting Drano. Everyone knows the routine by now. Get me more beer before I ignite. Barmaid pounded me on the back, now my backbone is in the front part of my chest. I'm getting ****-faced from all of the beer.
CHILI # 4 - BUBBA'S BLACK MAGIC
Judge # 1 -- Black bean chile with almost no spice. Disappointing.
Judge # 2 -- Hint of lime in the black beans. Good side dish for fish or other mild foods, not much of a chile.
Judge # 3 -- I felt something scraping across my tongue, but was unable to taste it. Is it possible to burn out taste buds? Sally, the beer maid, was standing behind me with fresh refills. This 300 lb. woman is starting to look HOT ... just like this nuclear waste I'm eating! Is chili an aphrodisiac?
Judge # 2 -- Chili using shredded beef, could use more tomato. Must admit the jalapeno peppers make a strong statement.
Judge # 3 -- My ears are ringing, sweat is pouring off my forehead and I can no longer focus my eyes. I far**d, and four people behind me needed paramedics. The contestant seemed offended when I told her that her chili had given me brain damage. Sally saved my tongue from bleeding by pouring beer directly on it from the pitcher. I wonder if I'm burning my lips off. It really ticks me off that the other judges asked me to stop screaming. Screw them.
CHILE # 6 - VARGA'S VERY VEGETARIAN VARIETY
Judge # 1 -- Thin yet bold vegetarian variety chili. Good balance of spices and peppers.
Judge # 2 -- The best yet. Aggressive use of peppers, onions, garlic. Superb.
Judge # 3 -- My intestines are now a straight pipe filled with gaseous, sulfuric flames. I crapped on myself when I far**d, and I'm worried it will eat through the chair. No one seems inclined to stand behind me except that Sally. Can't feel my lips anymore. I need to wipe my bu** with a snow cone.
CHILE # 7 - SUSAN'S SCREAMING SENSATION CHILI
Judge # 1 -- A mediocre chili with too much reliance on canned peppers.
Judge # 2 -- Ho hum, tastes as if the chef literally threw in a can of chili peppers at the last moment. **I should take note that I am worried about judge number 3. He appears to be in a bit of distress as he is cursing uncontrollably.
Judge # 3 -- You could put a grenade in my mouth, pull the pin, and I wouldn't feel a thing. I've lost sight in one eye, and the world sounds like it is made of rushing water. My shirt is covered with chili, which slid unnoticed out of my mouth. My pants are full of lava to match my shirt. At least during the autopsy, they'll know what killed me. I've decided to stop breathing. It's too painful. I'm not getting any oxygen anyway. If I need air, I'll just suck it in through the 4-inch hole in my stomach.
CHILE # 8 - BIG TOM'S TOENAIL CURLING CHILE
Judge # 1 -- The perfect ending, this is a nice
blend chile. Not too bold but spicy enough to declare its existence.
Judge # 2 -- This final entry is a good, balanced chili. Neither mild nor hot. Sorry to see that most of it was lost when Judge #3 farted, passed out, fell over and pulled the chili pot down on top of himself. Not sure if he's going to make it. Poor feller, wonder how he'd have reacted to really hot chili?
So, basicly a thread for all those "Forward this to 20 people" e-mails that housewives get and somehow make their way to me, to which I have to yell at the person who sent me it to never do it again, as they're retarded and don't know how to use a blind carbon copy.
